In a breakthrough that is likely to be as controversial as it is incredible, researchers at a little known Texas research institute have revealed a chemical free cure for homosexuality based on the widely accepted therapeutic practice of homeopathy.
‘After years of thumping our remedies against a bible, we wondered what would happen if we actually used the bible IN the remedies. Our first attempts using a whole bible were effective in re-orientating our subjects’ sexuality, however, side effects included an allergy to seafood, mixed fibre garments and the urge to throw stones at adulterers and misbehaving children.’ said Dr Loof Lirpa, head researcher for the Division of Noetic Medicine. ‘Luckily, subsequent refinements by using only specific pages from the bible have now eliminated these side effects.’
The treatment requires the patient to take several drops of the homeopathic remedy each day as the effects are only temporary. ‘We were planning to work on a longer lasting remedy but the natural remedy company we are working with to mass produce the treatment refused to fund that line of research.’ added Dr Lirpa
‘There will be some who condemn this research as homophobic and bigoted’ commented Rob Ublind, marketing director at Sucka Natural Remedies, ‘however, nothing could be further from the truth. We are actually extending this research to develop a ‘Gay for a Day’ pill. Applying the same technology but this time using glittered spandex and agitating the solution with music by the Village People, we believe we can develop a pill that will temporarily adjust a subject’s sexual orientation in the opposite direction. ‘
While there is some opposition to this new research from groups such as the Christian League opposing Sexual Experimentation in Teens (CLoSET), Mr Ublind thinks this new work should also be embraced by the religious right.
‘For years, Christians have maintained that sexuality is a choice. This is an opportunity to demonstrate it. If fine God-fearing men can take Gay for a Day and still resist the urge to jump on every man that walks by, then they will demonstrate the power of faith.’
CLoSET’s case for opposing this new research was explained by spokesmen, Tad Heggart — ‘The last thing we should be doing is encouraging people to experiment with the gay ‘lifestyle’. With it being so cool to be ostracised and beaten up, everyone will want to ‘go gay’ and the human race will die out!”
When asked about this the ethics of such homeopathic treatments, a spokesperson for the National Collective for Complementary and Alternative Medical Treatments replied ‘Who cares? We’ve been spending millions of dollars each year for the past two decades, trying to prove that alternative medicine works and we have NOTHING. We don’t care if it turns people in to frogs so long as it proves homeopathy works.’
Happy April Fool’s everyone