Science Horror-scopes: November

By Peter Dearden 01/11/2010


By Doc. Chaos

VirgoYou will find out 50% of your genes have been mislabelled: you have actually been cloning the ‘pig head’ region of the genome. Not at all related to your work really. What a waste of time!
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TaurusYour supervisor/boss will spill coffee all over your note book this month, blame you — and then complain about the off-milk smell at every meeting for the next 30 days. You really should be more careful.
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ScorpioSomebody you know will have a baby. Or someone who knows someone you know will have a baby. Either way, you should ring everybody you know to find out for sure. Make sure you know who the fathers are. Just saying.
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SagittariusYou will be pleasantly surprised to find it easier to get a car park in the mornings after the 15th of this month. Don’t worry — I’m using my divine powers for good, for once.
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PiscesYou will find yourself inexplicitly needing to put up your Christmas tree very soon. The first of November is not too early, right?
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LibraSomeone will irritate you too far this month, probably that weird looking guy in your office who breathes too loud. You will freak out, throw your computer against the wall and run off to join the circus. You should give your spouse prior warning. And my address.
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LeoA limb will fall off. Might be a big one, might be a little one. I don’t make the rules, just reap the jewels. You could start looking at prostheses now to save time later maybe?
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GeminiYou will come in to some money this month — lucky! (I know where you live, I’ve been dropping silvers for days. Could you maybe, like, collect them and give them back? I can’t afford my lunch.)
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CapricornYou will wear the wrong shoes one day this month, not be able to do any lab work for fear of dropping hazardous glassware on your ickle-toesies, and just play solitaire for a good 8 hours.
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CancerSomeone is out to get you — you should be extra careful walking about the building, sitting down, eating that lunch you put in the communal fridge and so on. Constantly check over your shoulder too. Just to be on the safe side.
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AriesSomeone, somewhere will die. This gift is a curse; I don’t know how I cope.
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AquariusEvery single one of your experiments will work this month, only – not in the way you wanted. Do everything twice for good measure?


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  • I can predict a whole year ahead! YOUR 2011 HOROSCOPE

    ARIES
    A wonderful year ahead for your love life; you will find dozens of new partners. Travel is indicated too, preferably before your recent financial dealings become known to the Serious Fraud Office. Towards the end of the winter, Jupiter leaves Cancer and you will begin to show your age; however you will be as fascinating as ever to the opposite s..x although possibly for different reasons. Lucky colour: alcohol.

    TAURUS
    You are the quiet, gloomy type. 2011 will bring some lightening of your gloom as you see all your friends struck down by various calamities that make for a good laugh. Don’t gloat too much however- towards the end of the year, Saturn enters your celestial house and consequentially your pet mouse will get syphilis. Lucky numbers – none.

    GEMINI
    This year you will manage, at last, to come to grips with your indecisiveness. You will become more assertive, and your friends will marvel at your new air of decision. Soon your arrogance will know no bounds and you will find enormous pleasure in humiliating others. Your sex life will disintegrate because you will be unable to restrain yourself from ridiculing your partner. Apart from that, look forward to a wonderful year. Lucky numbers – pink and green. Lucky animal – the warthog.

    CANCER
    The year will begin well for you, but the good luck will not last. While you may prosper financially your unsavoury personal habits will in the end betray you. When your family finds the items hidden under your bed, they will have no option but to call the police. The media will probably get whole of the whole thing and chemical castration is probably the best you can hope for. When the moon is in opposition to Mars, beware of making investment decisions or riding yaks. Lucky number: e^(i x pi).

    LEO
    2011 brings more of the same for you. You will become, if anything, more disgruntled with your job, although you will probably not dislike your wife/husband any more than you do right now. For middle-aged Leos, it is very likely that you are becoming so set in your ways that your life offers nothing more from now on except the odd bereavement or accident. Suicide is an agreeable option, and 2011 looks like a year in which an attempt might very likely succeed.

    VIRGO
    There are no virgos round here.

    LIBRA
    A year for career choices. Librans are fashion-conscious and you should take your preferences into account when choosing your new boss. Most Librans are snobs too, so don’t choose a job that limits your upward social mobility or your love of conspicuous consumerism. Careers in the commercial sector look good for you – there you can kill two birds with one stone by helping to cripple third world countries through debt at the same time as your energy-intensive lifestyle contributes to the greenhouse effect and toxic waste disposal problems.
    Lucky particle: the tachyon.

    SCORPIO
    You are the lean, hungry type who intends to succeed. You have a talent for spotting opportunities and 2011 will be a great year for exploiting people weaker than yourself. This is not a year for hesitating or agonising over moral choices- not that you need that sort of advice from me. After the Moon enters opposition and Venus is in the ascendant, which will be in early spring, you will begin to find respectability to be at a premium; and it might be a good idea to apply to enter a service club or similar group of thoroughly boring would-be pillars of the establishment, to cover up your increasingly vicious business practices. Love life: forget it – keep your hands in your pockets.
    Lucky number: money.

    SAGITTARIUS
    You are the comfortable, unambitious type. You will grow old gracefully and people will envy your simple charm and infectious smile. However 2011 will be a trying year for you as a major disaster is in the offing. It will be a natural catastrophe – possibly your house will be struck by a massive meteorite or by lightning. However your placid nature and wisdom will see you through as you pull survivors from the smoking crater and hunt for your credit card. This might be a good time to memorise the 111 call-number for the fire-brigade. Towards the end of the year your dentures will need replacing. Lucky number: 6.022 x 10^23

    CAPRICORN
    Capricorns are no-hopers. Seriously. The more you try to make your way in the world, the more people will snigger behind your back. You can take comfort in the fact that you are wise, all-knowing and infallible; be aware however that other people will not see you in the same light.
    I’m not going to let on what 2011 will bring you, but do check out what rights committed mental patients have.

    AQUARIUS
    Ever the idealist, the Aquarian lives in a bit of a fantasy world. Most Aquarians think that people are wonderful, and they enjoy a happy-go-lucky extroverted lifestyle. This year, however, growing maturity will enable you to reflect on your friends and see that they are not as wonderful as you are. As you give up the fantasy of a friendly, happy world, you will take more pleasure in your own company; you may find yourself spending more time looking in the mirror or hiding under the bed. Don’t worry; we all need solitude from time to time. You may find that this is the year to buy a couple of big dogs, and invest in electric fencing.

    PISCES
    Quiet and dreamy, Pisceans have a real struggle to make their way in the world. The artist, the mystic, the layabout and the hypochondriac are likely to be Pisceans. 2011 will bring you a mixed bag of fortune; minor disappointments regarding employment are likely – Work and Income will at last find you a job. On a happier note your bedsores will get better. You are the kind of person who takes offence easily; try to rise above the silly jibes and sneers of your workmates; they are, after all, only ignorant working-class scum who would not be able to comprehend the agonies and ecstasies of the truly artistic mind. Try not to give cause for mirth or offence – antisocial personal habits like picking your nose are best kept for those moments when you think you are alone. Lucky colour: 1000 >lambda > 714 nm.