Science Horror-scopes: December

By Doc. Chaos

I see spring cleaning in your future — lab stylz. Yeah, that means cleaning 10 years worth of baked-on agarose out of the microwave. I know the specific date — but won’t tell, we don’t want you to turn up mysteriously sick that day do we?
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Every single one of your conference-pen collection will mysteriously disappear this month. What will you write with now?! (I’m building a pen-fort in the basement! If you can guess the password you can come in for tea :D)
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Now that the students have left your lab for the year you will find the broken equipment they ‘forgot’ to tell you about. Drag them back for a PhD perhaps?
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You won’t be happy with this — but everyone is going to try and kill you with Christmas music and tinsel this month. I know you are the original Grinch, but come on — try and be a little happy about the carelessly thought-out Secret Santa pressie you get from the person who sits on your right.
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Someone will finally recognise your car this month — as the person who keeps parking so close to them they cannot get out. Prepare to pay for a new paint job after the thorough keying you are about to receive.
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You will find out if you got that scholarship/grant this month. I hate being the bearer of bad news (not really, I love it!), but things… don’t look too hopeful. It’s not like you needed the money anyway right? Rewashed tips are just as good as new ones.
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Congratulations on your engagement! Oh wait, he hasn’t asked yet?…Whoops. You should be prepared to be careful when putting on gloves for the rest of the month though — actually, don’t worry about it. The stone won’t be that big.
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All of the exams you sat/marked/filed will get lost this month — prepare to re-sit/mark/file everything. Urgh.
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It looks like holidays, it feels like holidays, everyone else is taking holidays…but you will not. Gosh, your life sucks, doesn’t it?
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The experiments you have been planning to work around your 2 days off on Christmas will muck themselves up and you will have to come in to the lab anyway. You saw that one coming, admit it.
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That person in your office who you have been crushing on for months? The one you promised yourself you would ask out the day you get back after New Years? Yeah, they’ll get a partner over Christmas. You snooze, you lose, buddy.
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You know what? Your month is going to be perfect. Just kidding — doom and gloom like normal. Nothing will work, your heart will be broken, your experiments will fail — and take the equipment with them, and your students will drop out with nary an email of warning. Oh Woe Is You!
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Merry Christmas.